Come to the conversation keeping your pain at the center, understanding what you and the person who you have an issue with can do to fix the source of that pain, but also listen to the other person and what their point of view is. But always remember that the whole point of bringing up a grievance is for you to feel better — not to feel bad about who you are on the whole.
AM : Think about it, can it be your mistake every time? So how do you let someone blame you? The next time someone blames you, try to go back to what really happened and whose fault it actually was. I think strongly believing in the former will keep you from fairly assessing your part in situations, and adhering to the latter will bring insecurity and frustration. Sometimes, things just play out a certain way, and both parties are completely right in thinking, feeling or acting like they think is prudent.
The other person needs to make you feel comfortable, whether or not something is your fault. The other person needs to be mature enough not to use it as a weapon to keep making you feel small. I broke down and pleaded and cried on the phone for someone to help with these problems. To no avail as it was a weekend so close to Christmas.
I broke down in front of two lovely young people who told me that the houses always have problems and to phone the owner and not take responsibility for something that was not my fault.
Again I became very upset and she was the loveliest girl in the world. Told me how to work the hob and said she was going to sent so and so to fix the door. She said she had plenty of lovely neighbors who would keep an eye on the place until it was fixed. She also said she was having a family Christmas where her home is.
I am exhausted now and so is my daughter and friends who must wonder what the heck happened to me but I suddenly realised it was a terrified child, I think about 7 years old so incomprehensible and afraid of retribution. Liz, we totally get all of this. What we want to say here is that it sounds like classic anxiety disorder. You went into total fear. Physical symptoms of anxiety include sleep disruption, upset stomach, muscle tension….
Sounds familiar we imagine! We feel it would be a very, very good idea to get some help with all this. The thing about anxiety is that you can get help with it and things can really change. Research shows it helps anxiety. Other things that can help include clinical hypnotherapy.
If there is any chance you have c-PTSD which we think is also worth looking into as you mention a challenging childhood which is a long term PTSD like condition created by a difficult childhood that has us living in constant anxiety, then you might want to also look into EMDR eye movement desensitisation and reprogramming. Some of you are extremely judgemental and I accept constructive criticism because I want to fix whatever is wrong with me.
Without realising it you might be pushing people away if this comment is anything to go by. We sense a lot of anger. This happens. The real issue is that you believe there is something wrong with you. Counselling could go a long way to help with all this.
We hope you gather up your courage and get some support to gain some clarity on all this. What happens is we get so caught up in our thoughts we assume they are true, unable to see how we are making assumptions and acting in ways that lead us away instead of towards what we want.
Our real, loving, kind self gets buried. But all this can change with commitment and hard work. Life is a complete mystery. Therapy sucks. No one understands. My life is Hell. Yes, you are right. But then sometimes therapy works and is amazing, life is surprising and joyful, and people get us. Life is not black and white. Not reality. Life is many shades of grey, or multi coloured, but not black or white.
Why does no one tell me what I did wrong, why does no one tell me what they want from me? They just mistreat me for not being that. Hi there Guilherme, sounds like you are a sensitive, emotional soul who feels deeply and finds life difficult. We end up adults who are more fragile than other people, who can live with a distorted belief that everyone against us, and even, without realising it, choose to surround ourselves with the wrong sorts of people.
These things can be helped, there are even certain kinds of therapy that focus just on this sort of issue. You might be tempted to just stay quiet when your spouse blames you for something, but the message you send by doing this is that you are okay with being blamed.
This will only reinforce their behavior and make it more frequent. You should be able to say, in a calm and neutral voice, that you do not accept responsibility for whatever they are trying to blame you for assuming it was in no way your fault. By using this approach consistently, you teach your spouse that you are not prepared to sit back and let them take their issues out on you.
A word of caution: if your partner is physically abusive toward you, standing up for yourself like this can lead to further physical harm. The best thing you can do in such a situation is to find a way to safely leave that toxic relationship for good. When your partner blames you for everything, it can be difficult to assess what is and what is not your fault. This is important, because whilst taking some responsibility is a good thing, taking all the responsibility all of the time will harm your mental health in the long run.
The key is to look at the situation rationally and work out the flow of cause and effect. What is your partner blaming you for the effect? What are the circumstances that led to that thing the cause? Were you involved in those circumstances? Did you have a hand in anything that might be considered a cause?
Your spouse asks you to pick up some milk on your way home from work, but you forget. Alternatively, your spouse uses the last of the milk and then gets angry when they need some more at a later point in time and there is none.
You have said sorry and your partner should accept that and move on. This is hypocritical and should not be tolerated. This often happens when that thing creates a problem for them.
It can be difficult to make your case in these circumstances. They will get defensive if you point out to them that they are guilty of the same transgressions as you are.
Often, the two incidents will happen at different times and this makes it difficult for you to give clear examples of them doing the precise thing that they are now having a go at you for. They might accuse you of making things up to wriggle out of it. Then, when they do that thing, be sure to communicate how it makes you feel. I guess you probably do too. Be prepared for them to retaliate by mentioning something that you do that annoys them — whether it is similar or not.
Perhaps they accuse you of leaving your snack wrappers in the car. If they have a valid point, be sure to accept that with grace and suggest that you add that to the house rules list too. Your spouse needs to get help. And it is they who will have to take those steps, with your support, of course.
If they are already getting help, they need to stick with it and follow the advice they are given, or the medication they are prescribed. The man in the above example cared about his friend. Because he cared about her, he was concerned for her safety.
Generalized anxiety disorder, though, took his concern and blew it out of proportion. His worries, fears for her safety, and imagined worst-case scenarios overwhelmed him. He needed control over the situation. Possibly subconsciously, he believed that if he worried enough, he could control her safety. When that didn't work, his GAD screamed, "Your friend was in an accident, and it was all your fault. Anxiety is so loud about worries and fears and persistent about making you feel out of control regarding so many things in your life that trying to gain some control through your thoughts becomes an automatic response.
By extension, the erroneous belief that everything bad that happens is your fault also becomes an automatic response.
In the below video, I share one way to begin to rid yourself of the effect of anxiety that says everything is your fault. Tanya J. She has also written five critically acclaimed, award-winning novels about life with mental health challenges. She delivers workshops for all ages and provides online and in-person mental health education for youth.
She has shared information about creating a quality life on podcasts, summits, print and online interviews and articles, and at speaking events. Tanya is a Diplomate of the American Institution of Stress helping to educate others about stress and provide useful tools for handling it well in order to live a healthy and vibrant life. Find her on her website , Facebook , Instagram , and Twitter.
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